Dear... Whoever,
If you choose to read this then congratulations your life has just as much nothing in it as mine does... hopefully mine can brighten your day up a bit. a laugh at least if nothing else. Not that i actually care.
No I shouldn't say that, that's not proper for a human being to say about another human. shame on me... You can call me Lily, Lily Parker. I'm gonna attempt to write about my life and shit that happens in it. i won't be consistent, it'll probably suck and is more likely going to embarass me more than anything else but at least i can change all the names so none of you if this is ever read will ever know who i am or who im talking about.
I don't know, it's a thing I'm trying out. I don't have a lot of people i can talk to or trust in my life so at least this way it feels like I'm talking to someone. kind of. not that I'm some sociopathic crazy loner or something along those lines. I grew up pretty isolated then the random series of events in my Young Adulthood known as life continued that trend, And now its a choice. as sad as that sounds.
It's a choice because over the course of 28 years of life I know for 110% FACT that people suck ass and I'm better off being alone. that might be a of an extremist viewpoint but the sentiment is definitely felt if not followed through on entirely due to various circumstances. But on that same note still some of the most fascinating and strange creatures that exist. Can't live with them, can't live without them. I'm doing my damndest to live without them though, I mean yes i have friends and a boyfriend and family, a job... kind of... and all of the normal person things, but Because i was told i have to have those things to be happy. I need all of these people and stuff to be happy. this is how society works, we all need this shit and all need to be the same. its the rules... by whos decision? because its definitely not mine.
My friends are inauthentic and most of them the friend that turns up when they want or need something and then disappear again. Can barely call them friends anymore. My boyfriend... definitely a story and currently unsure if i actually like him right now, there are issues there. Screw my family, blood relations are bullshit. and my job is all screwy thanks to the boyfriend ...and bad emotional based decision making.
Basically I'm a 28 year old chick who's life is a fucking trainwreck and im about past the point of caring anymore. I honestly don't want life anymore and wish i could die and start all over again... assuming re incarnation and souls are an actual thing. either way i wouldn't be here anymore... which is better than being here. but i wouldn't try and commit seppuku yet, if nothing else but for those around me as few as they are. I'm just tired and don't want to keep trying anymore. im so fucking worn and beat down by all of the random bs that makes up my life id be happy with a cancer diagnosis or a severe accident of some sort... id welcome an aneurism or a heart attack and I'm still thoroughly convinced im having the earliest heart attack ever in a young adult. hopefully that made sense. i'm not exactly sober right now so I'm definitely struggling with spelling and grammar Most writing will probably be in some form of less than sober frame of mind because its sobriety is over rated and i need weed for sleep. yes Im a stoner, feel free to roll one or snack on a brownie and join me being stoned as you read. if you do.
I had something deeper and darker i wanted to write, but im to stoned to find the words again so those will be for another day. i might write more tonight, might not. we will find out in the morning when i publish this. ( writing pause: 0050)
